The Past ..

I usually smile at past memories, but how can I smile when I see how I could have changed my past's future?


It seems as if all of the people who use to be in my life are doing so poorly. I take a look at their myspace, just too see how they're doing and I find a picture of their tattoo. Tattoo's aren't bad, but of your current boyfriend? That's a little idiotic, especially seeing as they are either 19 or below. I mean not only that, but their interests say " Getting High, Getting Drunk, Thizzing, Getting Faded. " I mean, sure that's cool have your fun, but don't make it your lifestyle. And the most ultimate shocker ever. I come across a picture of a child with a caption, " Isn't my baby beautiful? " Wow, dramatic right? And to think that person use to be someone I was close with, even my bestfriend at the time. Amazing how different our lives are now, and how dissapointed I am in them. How can you be a mother or a father drinking, smoking, and thizzing half the time? How can you give your child a great life if you're only 18? Ok, strike that, age doesn't make a parent. But no job? no money? Still living with your mom? Irresponsibility . I can't even believe it, it's almost devistating to think i'm still not in their life to help them change. To think if I would have stayed in their lives I could have lead them in a different direction, maybe they wouldn't have ran away from home, maybe they wouldn't have had a child, maybe they wouldn't be hooked on intoxications, and just maybee ... They would be a better person "/



I kinda feel like it's all my fault, for not helping them when I could have, sheesh all bad ....

Where Do I Go From Here?

So i'm sitting here at the computer, in my school's library confused. I thought I had my career path planned out, and my goals were set. Yet, i'm not too sure if what I thought I wanted to do, is exactly where my hearts at. All of my loved ones know, Lawyer -- that's what I was going to be. But now, I feel like I'm so much more than that. Maybe my path is headed in a different direction, and it's not like I have a whole bunch of time to figure it out. Sure i'm 18, but i'm not trying to be in school forever, I already hate it lol. So my question is, where do I go from here? What do I do? Do I continue on the path that I thought was the right one, or do I search a little bit longer to find my correct pavement ?


Btw : I even went as far as dropping Political Science --- My Major. That's how deep it is for me, some one help me out :(

Tuesday Afternoon ...

I'm addicted to this thing already ...

Man, This is like my diary ! I love how if I feel like I need to express myself I can right here.

Blogspot is the best [: Lol, Anyways Here I go .

I missed my senior prom -_- Yes, I did. I went to Taft High School's '07 Prom, But missed my own. And I hate the fact that I did. I want to go to prom this year ! I want to buy a beautiful dress, and get all pretty and stuff and just have fun ! Who want's to take me? Because I reallllllllllllllly want to go -_- It's bothering me just a little to much for me not to want to go. UGH !!!!!!

The End, Just needed to get that off my Chest ..

Tuesday Morning ...

It's 1:51 am, and a lot is going through my mind. I just created this darn "blogspot" thing, and I feel like it's a pretty healthy thing to do, "blog" that is. So this is my first entry, and probably going to be the most intense one ever.



So far, life has been pretty good. Got my job, going to school, and gained an amazing boyfriend (: But, I feel like my emotions are everywhere, like I can't just focus on one thing, and feel complete .. get me? So many people that left my life, and I thought would be gone forever have re-entered again. Not by choice, but force. I can't seem to think if I should allow it or just try to keep that block button in handy.

I'll start by saying the most "dirt"est guy ever has decided to say Hi to me. I don't want to put it out there, but for most who know me, and how I feel about him, knows he goes by "Action-Figure". Once upon a time I use to feel for this Action Figure guy, and once upon a time he let me down. I'm afraid that if I continue to let him step back into my life again one step at a time it will happen again. Not on a emotional level, but on that vulnerable level [i'm probably not making any sense]. Anywho, he and our past just continues to run through my mind, and i'm not sure if I should let it go, or keep him at a distance .....

Also, someone who I called my brother is now a stranger to me. We as good friends let something happen that should have never happened. Our fault right? "/ I don't like it at all. Everything's so weird, no longer the same, and I want it to go back the way it was ... I don't appreciate the akwardness and the weird faces, and now we both get so defensive with each other, it's not cool. I HATE IT !!!!!!



On a lighter note, away from those problems for just a second.

My boyfriend (: Kevonn Marquis Edwards, aka Bookie Bear, Kevodaddy, and My babbbbby. I love him more than anything. We've been through it all , the tears, exboyfriend/girlfriends, jealousy, trust issues. But we seem to still manage to keep it together. I love you Baby, more than anything in the world, you truly give me smiles, and laughs, and the feeling of love. Something I haven't really felt since June18th,2006. You're amazing, I love your family - your mother is beautiful. We were down for each other 6 years ago, and we back at it again, I can't wait to see where our future takes us. I know this is a sure thing, even if our relationship is bipolar lol. Love you baby, with all of my heart and soul.



Ok, I have to write a whole paragraph to Jacob Brown. My little brother, my white boy. This guy is awsome. He's crazzzzzy, and I love it when he doesn't take his meds [sometimes] For those who don't know Jake is a White Boy, with Black Fits, and Black Friends, yet he acts and speaks completely "white". Haha, I taught him how to jerk [somewhat] that's my lil homie. I ride for that boy, him and his family are amazing, I'd do anything for them. So please don't create unnessacary drama with him, because then you'll be getting some nessacary yelling from me. I'm here for you Jake, always and forever.




MY JOB CAN KISS MY ASSCRACK.
They work me to friggen hard, and I'm not getting paid enough. I need a new job ASAFP <-- got that from "Tropic Thunder".



NATHANIEL ISAAC PITTS.
My fuckin everything ! I love you boocakes, you're amazing (: I love our healthy conversations, and random hangout sessions. "Where the pizza at tho?" Must have been the funniest night of my life. I enjoy your company and appreciate you. Thankyou for always keeping a smile on my face no matter what. You're the best. Don't let anyone tell you different !!!

Fe Hagos Chism, Mahal Kita Lola .

I love you, and I miss you dearly. It's been three years, but it seems like I just saw your beautiful smile yesterday. Our family just isn't the same anymore without you to keep us together. Holidays aren't as exciting, birthdays aren't anymore fun, and September just isn't the month. I remember your face, and your voice, and everything you've said to me. I can't wait till I can see you in my Dreams again. Don't be afraid to visit me in my dreams every now and then. I miss your presence. I love you, more than the sky stretches, and the stars shine, more than the wind blows, and the ocean waves. No one will ever be able to take your place, remember that, you're always in my heart, and you'll never be taken out.

i love my bella steez sisters, idgaf if you have a problem with it (: